I have a tremendous desire today to talk to my mom.  It is all I want...and I will never have it again.  I hate brain cancer!!!

A simple year ago

My mom was alive.  Her condition was awful and she was suffering, but I could touch her.  I was able to hold her hand, put my hands in her hair, feel her skin...she was alive.

I sit at home on the eve of the one year anniversary of losing her.  I am in utter disbelieve that a) this is my reality b) it has already been a year and c) just at how unfair it is that I lost her.   I have been thinking about the deep sense of emptiness that I have been feeling for the last year.  Esther and I talked about today how the world seems to overlook the altering experience of parent loss.  "it's the natural cycle of life..." our culture tells us...   However, being 31 and losing my 52 year old mother - there is nothing natural about it.  

Yesterday was really rough.  I was crying off and on all day...when I got home all I wanted was to hear her voice.  I listened to a few of the saved messages I have from her.  Then I moved on to pictures...I was flooded with memories that are still to painful to recall.  Mostly because they remind me how much I lost a year ago.  I finally decided to go to bed to end the night of crying.  I had this urge to fall asleep hugging something of hers.  When I pulled out the blanket from her house, I was not able to smell her on it anymore.  HEARTBREAKING.  

Knowing that the little things like her smell and her voice - are only a memory and i'll never know them in person again - makes my heart ache.  I will never know what she looks like old.  My I will nevers can go on and on...

I took tomorrow and Friday off from work.  I had initially planned to donate food to the Nashville Humane Society, instead I am going to make a financial contribution in her honor.  I am also going to buy a brick and have her name placed on the brick.  I love that I will have something with her name here in Nashville.  I am going to meet Jason for lunch.  I am then going to go shopping and grab a coffee somewhere.  Mom and I always loved to shop together...we loved having coffee together...we just loved being together.  I know that she would not want me to spend my entire day crying and focusing on her.  In the evening I have my neighborhood meeting that I'll hopefully attend, then a few of us typically go out afterwards.  

Tomorrow is not any more or any less sad.  I carry this sadness around with me all the time.  Just some days are a little bit more unbearable than my "new normal" days.  My hope is that tomorrow is tolerable and the anxiety and buildup to the anniversary is the worst part.  

Regardless, Mutti, I miss and love you more than my simple words can express.  

-TT-

I miss the consistency of how my life used to be.

I feel it coming - sadly - I cannot stop it.  I have been in pretty calm waters lately.  

My constant companion has been a little too much this evening.  The waters are starting to get choppy, rough - is this what drowning feels like?  I feel this weight on my chest –a shortness of breath – my heart feels like it is carrying tons.  I have been slapped with reminders everywhere.   Coming home to see Gravity on TV.  That is the movie I saw with dick-face (DF) 3 nights before my mom died.   Recalling events that surround DF are very painful.  I am loaded with regrets when I think of him and my mom.   I had corn for dinner – I cooked it the way she taught me.  I had roasted asparagus too.  Whenever we were together during the warm months – every other night consisted of asparagus.   Sheets from her house are on my bed.  Her art is all over my house.  I cooked in Mom and Leo’s pans.  Their books are filling my bookcases.   It still feels a little unbelievable.  I see this stuff in my house and think "why is that here?"  

Was it a bad idea to bring so many of her things back to my house?  I don’t know.  I know I am not willing to part with it yet.

I don’t want anything else but to talk to her.  I have been longing to engage with her – to hug her.  To hear her say “hi baby”  or “hi TT!”   I want to hear about her day.  I want to tell her about my day.  I’ve lost my best friend – and I don’t know how to navigate through this world without her.  I don’t have anyone to tell my stupid stories to.  I didn’t only lose my mother – I lost my closest and most loyal friend. 

I'm less than 3 months away from being without my mom for an entire year.  Esther has already asked me about what I'm going to do on 10/9...I don't even want to think about it.  It is all so goddamn unfair.  

I found Esther's business card from 3 years ago.  It made me sick to my stomach - same grief therapist - different parent.  I need to toss that card...

I am so fucking sick of people asking me if I am happy to have her house behind me.  “NO!  No, idiots!!! How could I be happy about any of this?  How could I be happy about not having a “mom’s house?” is what I’d like to say.  However, I just simply smile and try to change the subject asap.   

I feel myself withdrawing.  I have zero desire to engage with people right now.  It’s hard when I have so much internal turmoil and others want to talk about superficial topics.  I need to pull out my acting card again...because I just don’t give a shit right now.  However, I am trying very hard to fight my desire to clam up and completely withdraw.  

I’ve been doing a lot of “this time last year…” memory recalling.  It is really amazing what I have survived.  When I recall everything I have been through the last 3 years – it is just more and more evident that I am my mother's daughter…

  

Estate Sale

Today was day one of the estate sale.  It was worse than I had mentally prepared for.

Watching people come inside my dead parents house like vultures - looking for a deal - looking for something to resell at a higher price, etc...was just to much for me to handle.  The first few hours of the estate sale were people who were dealers, etc.  The second wave of people - actually took their time and really enjoyed what they were looking at/buying.  This lady who is probably in her 40's bought a bunch of mom's clothes.  She was sweet and cute - that made me happy!

Anyway - when the sale started at 10 - I lasted maybe a minute before I was in the kitchen (our "safe" space) having a mild panic attack.  Sandy came in to the kitchen to look for something and found me.  She just gave me a huge hug and told me to get my ass on the porch with Amanda.  That where I spent most of my day.

I had weird interactions with people.  Some people were assholes.  Some people smelled.  Some wanted to talk to me about mom and Leo.  When I was super fake with a smile on my face saying "thank you..." to the same "I'm so sorry about everything..." I got odd looks like they expected me to cry to a stranger.

I'm exhausted - both emotionally and physically.

I feel like my mom died again today.  The finality of this step is heartbreaking.  I wish I had done this in November...I was still SO NUMB.  I wonder if it would have been easier?   My mom's pastor, Jeffrey (who is beyond amazing), said this to me "You can either run or walk through a thistle bush - but at the end you will still have cuts from the thorns all over you."  I guess you can say that I am deeply cut right now.  I can't wait for that day for the cuts to heal...of course the scar will be there...but it won't feel so fresh.  However, I don't anticipant that happening for a very long time...

because right now, all I want is my mom.

Some good/happy things from today:
1. an old lady being so happy about mom's white suit coat fitting her.  She even wore it out of the house!
2. Mom's cat decoration being bought...even the crazy cat lady game.
3. Mom and Leo's friends buying items that will be in a loving home.
4. The detectives coming to talk to me - and his ring tone for his boss was the theme song from Cops.
5. Realizing what an impact mom and leo left...this is a gift that very little have.

I hope tomorrow won't be as painful as today...

Afraid of Nothing

I can barely put into words how I am feeling right now.  I have a few phrases to maybe paint the picture:

• sadness - being in my mom's house one last time.  The next time I leave - I will never again have a place to call my mom's.  I will never have a "moms house"  - this feeling fucking sucks. 

• heartbroken - i wake up with this ache in my heart every morning.  I miss that woman more than I can ever explain.  

• anger - i know who broke into my mom's house.  it was a caregiver.  I'm angry that I was played and I trusted her.  I'm angry that I always try to see the best in people.  I'm angry that my life continues to be one hard, sad, stressful event after another.  Can't the universe give me a break?  Black cloud - please go rain on someone else.  I am drowning here...

• bitterness - why are these my cards?  Why is this my fucking life at 32...  Not one person I know how has anything like this...why does it have to be me?  

• jealousy - i want my mom.  i'm jealous of those that have moms still alive.  i'm jealous of people with supportive friends and families.  I have none of that.  

• afraid - when I walk out of this house - I am so afraid of this chapter being closed.  And my next chapter starts without my mom.  I just want my mom.  

• anxiety - all the above make me anxious.  I'm anxious that very little seems to bring me joy.  I am a good actress.  I am able to put on my "everything is going okay" hat and fool everyone.  

• disappointed - that i'm missing so many things in Nashville.  

All I can do is hope that maybe one day - I will wake up and only feel a few emotions instead of all of the above in a given day.  

I'm missing Sharon Van Etten in Nashville this Saturday - her newest album is amazing.  Her music alone has helped pulled me through the last 3 years - I am so bummed about not seeing her.  SO BUMMED. Anyway, enjoy...

For my mom - I'm really trying hard to not be afraid...like her.   She is the strongest person I know.  

- Kathryn- 

Trying to escape

I'm in beautiful San Diego.  I've been here with my dear friend Kim since Wednesday night.  Tracy flew in Thursday night - and I've been in the company and surrounded by two of my most favorite and real friends.  However, there has been another guest too...and that is my grief. 

This weekend was jammed packed with days/firsts for me.

May 9, 2014: The first of Mom and Leo's anniversary where they are both dead.
May 10, 2014: My 32nd birthday - my first birthday where my mom is dead.
May 11, 2014: The first mother's day - where I don't have my mom - because she is dead.  

I've had hard, long and exhausting cries.  The sort of cries that leave me exhausted for the rest of the day.  The types of cries that make me think I will never feel better.  The type of cries that make me feel stupid for thinking I would be able to escape my constant companion - even in San Diego.   

My new friend Jason sent me the most thoughtful and honest text message yesterday.  It said the following: "Tomorrow is gonna suck.  It always does.  Read this and thought about you.  Hope you have an okay day.  It will get better.  I promise."  This article is what accompanied the text message.  I immediately started reading "The Unmothered" on my phone and was in tears for the following hour. 

I cried because there ARE others out there who have lost their mom's to cancer at such a young age.  I gained validation for my feelings, sadness, grief, etc through this article.  I can relate to the author for turning to books and quotes to express how she feels.  I can relate to being fearful of time moving on - because that just means that it has been longer since I've last seen/talked/touched my mom. 

This following section - I related with:

• About two weeks after her death, I wrote in my diary: “The finality of it. When she was sick, at least things kept changing. She felt better, or worse. It was a good time to talk, or it wasn’t. Things happened. Now nothing is happening. This is it.”A year later, my diary reads: “Hardest thing: overhearing colleagues tell their mothers ‘Love you’ on the phone. So casually.” 
• From Proust, I took: “For henceforth you will always keep something broken about you.” From C. S. Lewis: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.” From Joan Didion: “A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty.” From O’Rourke: “Am I really she who has woken up again without a mother? Yes, I am.”
• Like a last rain, my mother left behind an earthy scent that lingered long after she was gone. Like a last rain, for a fleeting moment, everything she touched seemed to glow. 

However, I did survive - I have no idea how - but I did.  I miss her so fucking much - I can feel my heart aching.  

Happy Mother's Day to one of the greatest people in my life.  I miss and love you so much mom...

Your forever TT.  

Exhausted...

I'm the kind of exhausted that sleep will not and cannot fix.

Everyday this week - I've had to remind myself Mom is dead.  I have wanted and needed to talk to her about many things going on in my life...but she isn't there...it is like someone is punching my stomach - over and over and over again.

I am at the point where I don't know if I will ever feel better...

Pretending I'm okay is just so fucking and utterly exhausting...

Joy...

I booked my ticket to CA tonight.  Since my birthday and mother's day fall right after the other - I'm treating myself.

I'm getting out of Nashville for a few days...

I'm getting to see (for sure) one of my favorite friends...if Tracy is able to come down...I don't know if my heart will be able to handle the happiness I will feel if I'm with the two of them at the same time.

I'll be in wonderful weather...

I'll be by the ocean...

I'll have zero responsibilities...except enjoying myself...

Upon Mom's death, I discovered her blog. god, she was a brilliant woman.  I still find it all so unfair that she had brain cancer...

Anyway, one of her blog post said the following:

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. - Joseph Campbell

I hope this is true, for there has been great joy in seeing my daughter this week. 


Knowing that I will be seeing dear friend(s) has brought me incredible joy tonight.

Finally, Mom came back

I saw her in my dreams last night.  I don't care that I woke up crying - I would be willing to cry every night just to see and talk to her in my dreams.

This is what I remember:  It was "cancer" mom, but it was early-on when she was still functioning.  I was up in MI working.  Dennis was in town for something and while I trying to get some work done - Dennis and mom were playing cards.  They were having so much fun and laughing loudly...I was getting really annoyed and frustrated.  I was trying to get work done, but they were having a blast.  (I was probably more jealous than anything.  The handful of times Dennis, mom and I hung out - it was SO FUN!)  I stormed out of the room - and mom followed after me.  She asked why I was so upset and I simply said "do you not realize you are going to die?  Why are you having so much fun?"  Mom "TT, I know and I'm so sad about leaving you."  We were both crying - hugging and she just kept saying over and over "I don't want to leave you..."  

This could have been brought on from a conversation Sandy and I had on Monday...but regardless...it was wonderful for her to return to my dreams. 

I'm still really tired from grief therapy.  I spent two hours with Esther - then another hour on the phone with Sandy.  My body felt as if I was the stuffing of a punching bag.  I never had that sort of physical reaction when Leo died...I could feel the heartache, etc - but I was never physically exhausted like that.  It was different.  

Esther said this..."this experience with your mom was so intense and tragic...I'm not surprise you are just now calling me.  It's like a computer downloading a new software on dial up speed.  This is going to take awhile to process."   She asked me how my support was...I told her how it's even worse this go round.  She remembered Tracy and asked about her.  Of course, Tracy is by my side...even if she is located in CA.  She wasn't surprised when she learned that my memories of my mom rarely go before cancer.  She wasn't surprised that I relate and want to talk to people 50+.  She wasn't surprised to hear that I still have to remind myself that mom won't be on the other end of a phone call I so desperately want to make.  It's nice to be reminded that I'm not going crazy too.  

Esther asked me if I wanted to continue seeing her on a weekly basis - of course I am.  She said she felt so honored.  What is amazing about Esther is she remembers a lot of what we talked about when I went to her with Leo.  With all the people she sees, she can still remember my story and our conversations from a few years ago.   It offers me a level of comfort that I probably wouldn't have with anyone else.  I don't really have to start from the very beginning...I can start from Feb 2013.

Saturday's Routine

For as long as I can remember...my Saturday's routine always included my mom.

This morning it's gross and rainy in Nashville.  While I was opening my curtains this morning - I said to myself, "I wonder if mom is awake yet?"  I have these moments where I forget she is dead.  I have these natural urges as if she is still alive.  Then I have to remind myself she is not...and the wave of grief consumes me all over again.   This fucking wave violently tosses me around, drowns and suffocates me.

I saw an interesting article on NPR music the other day.  They were having people create their lives soundtrack in 6 songs.  A song that I listen to frequently the past few years has been Sharon Van Etten's - "We Are Fine."  I love, love, LOVE Sharon Van Etten...and this is actually one of her most upbeat/positive songs.

If I had to come up with my 6 songs - this would probably be #1 on the list.  I almost always have it on when the wave comes...which means I listen to it ALL THE TIME.

I miss our Saturday mornings mom....

-TT

terrified.

I'm terrified of my grief.  Right now, I feel like my only company is grief.

Grief is a horrible companion.

I'm scared of really feeling the full range and depth of my emotions.  Lately, I have been crying a lot more.  I think I've cried at least 7 times today.  In my crying spells - I just say over and over "i want my mom...I just want my mom..."  It seems like such a simple request...

I need to let myself scream, be angry, cry, etc - it's part of the process.  But this process is fucking scary...and I want to hold on to every single piece of my mother and not accept my reality.

This grief is also something I can't escape...

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."  -C.S. Lewis

Esther time - part 2

Last Thursday was a completely horrible day for me.  To be honest - all my days feel horrible - but Thursday was very bad.  I cried from about 5 until I went to bed.  That evening, I decided that I need to start talking to someone.  I have a few friends that I can talk to - but they have no idea how I feel or what I have gone through.  They cannot relate to the fact that my only emotions i have felt since Feb 12, 2013 is a mixture of stress and grief.  I really cannot recall a time I felt happy.

This time around - I really try to not expect anything from anyone.  It's just easier.  Unless you have lost someone - and have had a similar experience - you really don't know what to say.  If I had a friend who had one of their parents murdered - I would have no idea what to say...even after losing two parents.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to Esther.  I called and left her a very tearful message on Thursday.  She only is in the office at Hospice on Monday and Wednesdays - so I heard from her yesterday.  I answered the phone and she simply said "my god Kathryn...I am so sorry."  It was perfect.

We talked for a few minutes - and scheduled my first appointment of grief therapy because of my mom.  I mean how fucked up is it that I have been in grief therapy for two different loved ones within 3 years of each other?

This time 2 years ago - my mom was in town.  It is so painful to recall those memories.  I would love to have a rewind button on my life.   Where is that button??

All I want is more time with my mom.

Great minds think alike...

This is a text between Sandy and I tonight.  Very thankful for this woman.  We really are a lot alike...and this proves it.  Mom always said that May 10 (mine and Sandy's birthday) was an amazing, yet strange day for the universe...and I totally know what she means now.   Mom also knew what she was doing by having the two of us care for her.

I saw her in my dreams!

It was wonderful and yet so heartbreaking.  I had a vivid dream about my mom.  I saw her and hugged her for what seemed like days - proclaimed "I am so happy you are alive, mom!"  Told her about Leo's music (which her reply was to give me her smirk/half grin disappointed look) - told her how I'm sorry I had to winterize the house because the heat broke - but I have the money to fix it.  Talked about how I was excited to stop the life insurance claim...but then I woke up.  I was so sad waking up.  I wanted to stay in her presence forever.

I have spent all day heartbroken with a huge massive yearning.

I just want my mom back.

"I'll see you in my dreams...
Hold you in my dreams..."

I love you mom.

brainstem tumor

How has it been a year?  I will never forget this day.  I was sitting at work - and I received an email from my mom around 8:30am.  She shared the news via email, because what I would later learn is her inability to talk because of the tumor.  At first I didn't believe her.  I was in shock.  This is what she said:

"So the doctor thinks I might have a deep seated brain tumor that they want to treat with chemo. It's in too deep for surgery. I'm staying in for a bit, for tests they say. So that's the story for now.  I'll let you know stuff later!" 

Then I called her...

I remember her voice.  It was scared, unsure - but yet she tried to sound strong and not afraid for me.  I remember her telling me to not worry about her - that she would be alright - and I needed to stay in Nashville.  I could barely understand her - which is when the news really hit me.  I immediately was crying...left work - and got ready to leave for MI the following morning.

Sandy Rogers - this is also where our relationship really started too.  She was the only one who was honest with mom's condition.  I remember her saying "you needed to be up here yesterday...get your ass to Bay City ASAP."

A year ago today,  I was thrown into a role I wasn't prepared for.  A role I didn't want for another few decades - but a role that I was proud to take on.  I was proud my mom wanted and trusted me.  If I HAVE to do this for anyone at 30 - there is no one else I would have worked so hard for.  God i love that woman...

I'm sad.  I miss mom.  I run to my car after work so I can cry.  I have mascara stains on my pillow cases.   I'm crying a lot - but I also know this is completely normal.  Mom and I's relationship was fantastic.  She was truly my best friend.  She was my biggest fan.  My biggest cheerleader.  The one person I could share the dumbest detail with - and she'd act like it's the biggest news she had heard all day.  I think my grief and sadness is a testament to our relationship.  I'm okay with that.

I'm functioning - I go to work - I keep up with my house.  I walk my dogs (almost) daily.  I'm just really sad and have changed significantly and am continuing to change...

The one thing that brings a smile to my face is using the work fuck as often as I can.  Horrible right?

See...i love this:

But really, fuck cancer.  Especially brain cancer.

Just a tiny taste.

My Friday night has consisted of dog vomit.  My poor little Bruce got so sick tonight.  I have NO idea why or what caused it - but I was moments away from making an expensive journey to the emergency vet.

She is (or was...I struggle with verb tense...) always the first person I call for opinions/advice.  Tonight - I so desperately wanted to call her.  "Mom, bruce is vomiting all over the place - what do I do?  Should I take him to the vet?"  On the other end - her calming, matter of a fact voice would help me reach my decision.  

But I don't have that.  Not anymore.

And it's awful.

I daydream about talking to her a lot.

It's just so unfair.


 

Completely miserable.

I'm miserable.  Simply miserable.  Exhausted by my daily act and pretending to have my shit together.

Horrible breakdown tonight.  I miss talking to her.  I miss talking about her.

I have no one.  I feel like she has been erased from people's memories/minds - but yet I'm here alone - drowning in memories, wishes that will never happen and misery.  

I am so goddamn miserable and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want my mom back.