Estate Sale

Today was day one of the estate sale.  It was worse than I had mentally prepared for.

Watching people come inside my dead parents house like vultures - looking for a deal - looking for something to resell at a higher price, etc...was just to much for me to handle.  The first few hours of the estate sale were people who were dealers, etc.  The second wave of people - actually took their time and really enjoyed what they were looking at/buying.  This lady who is probably in her 40's bought a bunch of mom's clothes.  She was sweet and cute - that made me happy!

Anyway - when the sale started at 10 - I lasted maybe a minute before I was in the kitchen (our "safe" space) having a mild panic attack.  Sandy came in to the kitchen to look for something and found me.  She just gave me a huge hug and told me to get my ass on the porch with Amanda.  That where I spent most of my day.

I had weird interactions with people.  Some people were assholes.  Some people smelled.  Some wanted to talk to me about mom and Leo.  When I was super fake with a smile on my face saying "thank you..." to the same "I'm so sorry about everything..." I got odd looks like they expected me to cry to a stranger.

I'm exhausted - both emotionally and physically.

I feel like my mom died again today.  The finality of this step is heartbreaking.  I wish I had done this in November...I was still SO NUMB.  I wonder if it would have been easier?   My mom's pastor, Jeffrey (who is beyond amazing), said this to me "You can either run or walk through a thistle bush - but at the end you will still have cuts from the thorns all over you."  I guess you can say that I am deeply cut right now.  I can't wait for that day for the cuts to heal...of course the scar will be there...but it won't feel so fresh.  However, I don't anticipant that happening for a very long time...

because right now, all I want is my mom.

Some good/happy things from today:
1. an old lady being so happy about mom's white suit coat fitting her.  She even wore it out of the house!
2. Mom's cat decoration being bought...even the crazy cat lady game.
3. Mom and Leo's friends buying items that will be in a loving home.
4. The detectives coming to talk to me - and his ring tone for his boss was the theme song from Cops.
5. Realizing what an impact mom and leo left...this is a gift that very little have.

I hope tomorrow won't be as painful as today...

Afraid of Nothing

I can barely put into words how I am feeling right now.  I have a few phrases to maybe paint the picture:

• sadness - being in my mom's house one last time.  The next time I leave - I will never again have a place to call my mom's.  I will never have a "moms house"  - this feeling fucking sucks. 

• heartbroken - i wake up with this ache in my heart every morning.  I miss that woman more than I can ever explain.  

• anger - i know who broke into my mom's house.  it was a caregiver.  I'm angry that I was played and I trusted her.  I'm angry that I always try to see the best in people.  I'm angry that my life continues to be one hard, sad, stressful event after another.  Can't the universe give me a break?  Black cloud - please go rain on someone else.  I am drowning here...

• bitterness - why are these my cards?  Why is this my fucking life at 32...  Not one person I know how has anything like this...why does it have to be me?  

• jealousy - i want my mom.  i'm jealous of those that have moms still alive.  i'm jealous of people with supportive friends and families.  I have none of that.  

• afraid - when I walk out of this house - I am so afraid of this chapter being closed.  And my next chapter starts without my mom.  I just want my mom.  

• anxiety - all the above make me anxious.  I'm anxious that very little seems to bring me joy.  I am a good actress.  I am able to put on my "everything is going okay" hat and fool everyone.  

• disappointed - that i'm missing so many things in Nashville.  

All I can do is hope that maybe one day - I will wake up and only feel a few emotions instead of all of the above in a given day.  

I'm missing Sharon Van Etten in Nashville this Saturday - her newest album is amazing.  Her music alone has helped pulled me through the last 3 years - I am so bummed about not seeing her.  SO BUMMED. Anyway, enjoy...

For my mom - I'm really trying hard to not be afraid...like her.   She is the strongest person I know.  

- Kathryn-