Election of 2008

Before the funeral, this was the last time I saw Leo.  Whenever I admit this - it simply hurts my heart.  This will forever be one of my life's biggest regrets.  You simply don't expect to lose someone....so putting off visiting doesn't seem like that big of a deal.   I try not to dwell on this reality, because it is very unproductive.  Since I called their house daily, it didn't feel like years - and for that - I'm forever thankful.

I was in MI for a few days around the election.   It was a great visit.  It was the first time I had seen their house - Leo's kitchen - meeting a few of the new cats.  It was abnormally warm in MI for November - I remember we sat outside a lot, went on walks, etc.  I knew that there were pictures taken, but I couldn't remember who had them.   Today I found the pictures on my external hard drive!

John and Carol were having people over at their house that night.  That was the first time I had met John, Carol, Allen and Brenda.  I had no idea at the time - but for me - they are now a direct connection to Leo.  He loved them dearly - I feel so much comfort when I'm around them.  Great, great people - or my new aunts and uncles - as I have been fondly referring to them as.  I want my future kids (major assumption here) to spend time with them - and learn things they would have learned from Leo.  Examples: sailing, cooking, loving, laughter, wine (when legal of course), etc...

The three of us had a lot of fun thinking about what food to take.  For example: chicken wings for "left-winged media"; "blue - corn chips"...you get the idea.  It was a great night and I'm so thankful I decided to escape the South's sea of red for the 2008 Election.

Here are a few of the pictures: 

Leo came home with a special treat for the 3 of us.  

This is after Obama won!  As you can tell, we are all very happy.  I. LOVE. THIS. PICTURE!  

Poor Allen was nervous the first part of the night.  It was good that I was there - to remind him the first round of election returns are typically from the South :). 

Mom and I excited about our "Yes we can" sodas! 

Yes, the pin says "Demo-Cats for Obama"

Mom and Leo :)

-Kathryn-

Little Triggers

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief." Aeschylus

It's been a pretty good 36 hours.

Wednesday took enough emotions out of me to allow the following 36 hours to feel "normal".  On Wednesday, I had two panic attacks.   One was before Esther Time due to the inability to reach my mom.  It was 2:30 and usually - we have talked at least 2 times and have sent text messages.  When I called again, it dawned on me, that despite my calls and text messages - I hadn't heard from her.  Esther told me that after a loss, people have a heighten sense of mortality.  It's true, I can't write the thoughts that were running through my head.  I needed to know where my mom was asap.  I sent John a text message - and she was working with the workcamp kids from church.   The campers were over at the house to help organize the garage.  The support that her community is still showing is amazing.  Her friends are amazing.  I envy her community/support/friendships.  Once I received his message I was able to relax, stop crying, and even let out a laugh because I felt ridiculous.

Insert a hour and a half of Esther time in between these attacks. Sessions are going to be exhausting.  I made a rule that I am not going to do anything social on Wednesdays.

Attack #2: It happened while I was at Bon Iver who was playing at the Ryman.  Mom had given me this ring Leo gave her.  I've been carrying it in my wallet - and I guess in the course of the night - it had fallen out.   I discovered it had fallen out when the girl in front of me picked the ring up - put it on - and showed the people sitting near her.  I couldn't speak.  I just sat there stunned, watching and thinking "oh my god, it's my ring, please give it back, please...I can't lose that."  The music was so loud - so I had to wait about 15 minutes until it was quiet enough for her to hear me.  However, in those 15 minutes - I had to tell myself to breathe - you are going to get it back.  I was crying.  I was alone.  I was watching a girl wear something Leo gave to mom who gave to me.  It was awful.  When I asked the girl for the ring, I was crying and explained its significance.  She started tearing up saying "oh, god, I know...I lost my dad too."

Wednesday was exhausting.

I was good until 10pm tonight.  I had just gotten off the phone with Mom and was on Facebook.  I went to my brother's page and his profile picture is of him and Leo (see below).    I felt the stress, tears, lack of control and inability to breathe coming on again.  During those moments - it's as if I can only focus on one or two thoughts.  Tonight's was "no more pictures - It's not fair.  There aren't going to be any more pictures."

Here are a few pictures of the family.  I look ridiculous because it was about 10 years ago - but I don't know where our most recent pictures are currently.  It's difficult to recall the memories that are captured in these pictures, however, I wanted to share a few of my favorites:

I adore this picture of mom and Leo.

I wasn't with them in this picture - but I love it!  Andrew and Leo cooked together all the time - and it looks like they are post-cooking in this picture.  Leo was a fabulous cook.   

Leo and I in Paris.  Leo and Mom took me to Paris for about 10 days.  Amazing trip.  Next time I go Leo - I promise to order something besides chicken and potatoes :)

The clouds today in Nashville mimicked the ones in this picture.   I thought about this picture all day. 

-Kathryn-

May 17, 2011

I will forever hate this date. Hate with a deep, sadden passion. In fact, every month on the 17th - it's a reminder. Really: everything, everyday is a reminder.

I was out sick on Monday the 16th - and decided to work from home on Tuesday to rest a little more. That morning is mostly blurry, but I remember sitting at my dinning room table and getting a phone call. My caller ID said it was Leo. Whenever Leo called, I would always answer with an excited "Hey Leo!" This morning it wasn't Leo. It was mom, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I couldn't understand her because of the sobs. Initially, I assumed it had to do with one of her old kitties. It was the unimaginable, it had to do with Leo. Leo suddenly, unexpectedly died between 2am-7am on May 17, 2011. He was only 58, I'm only 29 - there is something really wrong with those numbers.

I asked a few times, "Mom, what is wrong? Tell me. What happened?" She finally got out the phrase "Leo's dead." I think my response was "what? what the fuck are you talking about mom?" Then Leo's brother took the phone to say the words she wasn't able to say.

After I hung up the phone - I don't remember the details of the morning/afternoon. I decided to board my dogs in Nashville and drive to Grand Rapids, MI. It was the longest drive of my life. I couldn't get to my mom fast enough. I had to pull off the side of the road many times to allow myself to bawl. I remember ordering food - and the lady asked how I was doing and I started crying. Again, longest drive of my life.

It's true what they say about numbness and shock after a loss. I think if you watched me the week following Leo's death, I might have appeared strong. I was able to keep mom together, put together a memory basket, remember to bring the memory basket back to Grand Rapids, etc (however, I did forget to remind mom to pack her dress she was going to wear to the funeral - major fail) - I was able to laugh and carry on conversations. I wasn't strong, it was numbness. Part of me misses the numbness and strength, because when they fade away - you realize how weak you truly are.

Little did I know that 05/17/11 would change me forever. It has only been a little over 2 months and my life has already changed and altered the following ways:

• I don't want to be involved in meaningless friendships. I have too many of those...life is too short.
  
• I have truly realized who my best friends are. Especially that one out in CA. Not sure what I would do without her.
  
• I have learned that our (American) society doesn't know how to handle grief.
  
• I'm learning to not be embarrassed by my tears and to let them fall.
  
• I've started grief therapy - which I'm calling "Esther Time."
  
• I'm going to be joining a support group in September.
• I want to honor Leo and his "live life to the fullest" mentality, but I'm trying to still figure out how that looks in my life.
• I worry about my mom about every minute of the day.
• The physical distance between me (in Nashville) and mom and Leo (Bay City, MI) has never felt greater.
  
• I realize how influential he was in my life...and I'm still learning. I just wish I could tell him this and a simple thank you.
  
• Most of all, I feel really cheated.
  

I'm sure over time, that list will grow. During Esther Time yesterday, she was telling me that this is an event that will shape who I am moving forward. I fear this. I'm so sad, having panic attacks, feeling hollow on the inside - I don't want to be like this forever.

Another thing I learned is grief does not happen in stages. Another example why Americans can't deal...we have to have a "step by step" process to deal with losing a loved one. There is not a "right" or "wrong" way to go through this process. I didn't really buy into the "stages" psychology - because I go in and out a few of the stages in a given day. I'm just happy that Esther thinks they are crap too.

One more thing about Esther Time. She likes this book - I can't remember the name - but it's a daily meditation on healing after losing (which might be the title!) Anyway, she wanted to read what the book said on the day of our first meeting: 7/27. She scanned the short page - paused a long minute - and said "it's about music." Of course it's about music - after all - I was there talking about Leo.

I'm going to be using this blog as an outlet. I want to write during this time in my life. I want to recall the good, really good, bad and really bad times. I want this to somehow be a tribute to Leo. I picked the background of this blog for him. The picture reminded me of the Great Lakes - a true love of Leo's.

-Kathryn-