Completely miserable.

I'm miserable.  Simply miserable.  Exhausted by my daily act and pretending to have my shit together.

Horrible breakdown tonight.  I miss talking to her.  I miss talking about her.

I have no one.  I feel like she has been erased from people's memories/minds - but yet I'm here alone - drowning in memories, wishes that will never happen and misery.  

I am so goddamn miserable and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I just want my mom back.

Missing her...

I'm missing my mom unlike anything I've ever experienced.

I want to pick up the phone and hear her voice.
I want to hug her.
I want her to be at her home with her cats.
I want, I want, I want, I want.

It's just too bad my wants will never, ever come true.  Ever.

This weekend was weird and the only person I wanted to talk to was my mom.

I'm ready for the physical pain to go away.  I'm ready for my broken heart to start forming its new shape.  I'm ready for the constant pit in my stomach to go away.

I'm just not ready to let her go...
I'm not ready to say goodbye....
I don't think I can ever be ready...

I love you mom - and miss you terribly.

-TT

"Waking up without her is like waking up in a world without sky: unimaginable."

I'm not sure if writing on my blog will be therapeutic for me this time around.  It was an amazing outlet for me to recall memories and share them of Leo.  Do I want to do that with my mom?  Losing her at 31 is unbelievably disappointing, sad, unfair, maddening, fucked up, and on and on.  How is it that 2.5 years later - I lose another parent?   I'm typically not one to hate life - but I'm really hating mine right now.  I don't like being awake - because all I think about is my mom.  I feel lazy and bad about myself with sleeping so much.  Apparently, there is no winning right now.

This article - I have read it over and over.  She gets it.

I have already been told "Kathryn, I hate to think of you changing - of losing yourself..."  Which just pisses me off.  How can I not change?  How can losing my mom not change me?  Especially - losing her the way I did...

The article ends with "Living with grief, I came to think, is like being a tree confronted with an obstacle. You have to grow around it; your path is shaped by it."  I know this new path I am taking is going to suck. Right now - I don't feel like I will ever be okay - or learn how to grow around this tree.  However, this being loss #2 - I know I will be okay.  

I found a sailing video with my mom.  She is panning around the boat - Andrew is steering - Carol is guiding him - I'm sitting across from her drinking wine (typical..) We keel towards my mom - so I have to grab something to prevent myself from falling.  The only thing you can hear over the wind is my mom saying "Hang on, TT!"  If she could say something to me now - I know it would be "hang on, TT!" (I have Sandy Rogers to thank for this thought...) For her - I am going to try to hang on.  

I love you Mutti...

Chemo round 2, day 1

It's a little past 9:30 on Monday night and my mom is already in bed for the night.  I'm sitting outside on her porch, drinking a beer, sitting in her wicker chairs that she has for as long as I can remember.  All the while - I am trying hard to fight back my flow of tears. 

My mom is a lot worse off than I was allowing myself to believe or admit.  Maybe I needed to see her in person?  See, I went back to Nashville around May 1, 2013 - so I didn't see her when she returned home after 3 longs months.   When she was under the care of others - she had a schedule - she didn't have to remember to take her pills - she didn't have to plan her food - remember she was out of toilet paper, etc.  Now that she is home - living somewhat independently - her memory loss is very evident. 

I simply do not trust her being alone.  If I wasn't here last night - she would have taken a double dose of her medicine...including a double dose of chemo, her "fish egg" pot pill, and steroid.  Based on what I have seen for the last 24 hours - I'm making one of the harder decisions I've had to make since mom has been sick. It's one that my mom will HATE.  I'm having someone move in with her - not because I want to upset her, but because I want her to live.  I really have to trust my decision - even if she is angry with me for months to come.  We got into a little argument about it last night...sadly (or thankfully) I think she has forgotten about it already. 

Because of her insurance policies - we have to paperwork filled out every few months.  I learned today that her onocologist claimed she was permanetly disabled and was more than likely never going back to work.  Talk about literally feeling my heart break.  How and why did this happen to MY mom?  She is literally one of the most brilliant people I know...she was my one source of challenging conversation....she was my source of political discussion, etc.  She did incredible things for this community - she helped save lives - she helped battered and sexually abused women and child escape from assholes.  How is it that she can't remember if she took her pills 45 minutes ago? 

I'm also trying hard not to be full of regrets.  I keep reflecting on the three months that I was up here while she was going through treatment.  I was so busy with insurance bullshit, finances, working remotely, trying to maintain her house and my sanity - what if I was so busy that I missed the last real moments I could have had with my mom?  I fucking hate hate HATE "what if..." statements.  But I can't get that one out of my head.  I want nothing more than to sit down with her - laugh - talk politics - go have  dinner - talk about life - talk about my problems - talk about her problems - talk about our work - talk about boys - talk about animals - go sailing!  Or simply put - have a relationship.  The heartache I have felt for the last 24 hours is something too familiar...and that terrifies me.  

On a lighter note - a few random things that happened today:

1. mom's downstairs shower is being installed - the constractor might be one of the most kind men I've been around.

2. I have seen most of my favorite people in Bay City already - dinner plans with mom's other best friend, Kim, tomorrow night.
 
3. I still run into people that I know in public - I'm a semi-local in BC.

4.  I had my first experience buying women depends tonight (thanks for that experience mom!)  This happened within 5 minutes: I'm checking out and the last thing I put on checkout line is the depends...probably the most attractive male I've ever seen in BC (am I saying this because he didn't have cameo on? - Maybe...) is behind me in line.  I think: "of course" and  I feel myself start to blush...I turn to use my card...it gets declined.  I have plenty of money in there - so I must have messed up the magnetic strip.  I'm probably appearing like an amazing person to this man.  On my way out - the tiny bottles of water that mom uses - I apparently purchased the one bag that was ripped and I was leaving a trail of water bottles.  Also fantastic.  I raced home and am now on beer #2. 

5.  I've already had my Zef's chicken greek salad.  This is one of my top favorite 5 meals in America.  I crave this stuff.  I hope to have a few more before I head back south.

6.  The Bijou Orchestra is having a fundraising concert on 9/22/13 for my mom.  Most of the musicians are playing...it makes my heart happy to think of this group of people playing together again.  I hate that it's another sad reason for my family - but it shows the true love and support people have for my mom.

7.  For my daily walks - I get to pass one of my favorite houses in America.  I LOVE the details!

8.  I've already seen and talked to Sandy a ton since I've been here - but here we are tonight.  I was grabbing take out tonight and ran into the Rogers - It's always fun running into the Rogers!  Excuse my grossness - it was post walk and it was very warm today!  I plan to have people take pictures of me and mom the rest of the week :).  More pictures to come...