May 17, 2011

I will forever hate this date. Hate with a deep, sadden passion. In fact, every month on the 17th - it's a reminder. Really: everything, everyday is a reminder.

I was out sick on Monday the 16th - and decided to work from home on Tuesday to rest a little more. That morning is mostly blurry, but I remember sitting at my dinning room table and getting a phone call. My caller ID said it was Leo. Whenever Leo called, I would always answer with an excited "Hey Leo!" This morning it wasn't Leo. It was mom, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I couldn't understand her because of the sobs. Initially, I assumed it had to do with one of her old kitties. It was the unimaginable, it had to do with Leo. Leo suddenly, unexpectedly died between 2am-7am on May 17, 2011. He was only 58, I'm only 29 - there is something really wrong with those numbers.

I asked a few times, "Mom, what is wrong? Tell me. What happened?" She finally got out the phrase "Leo's dead." I think my response was "what? what the fuck are you talking about mom?" Then Leo's brother took the phone to say the words she wasn't able to say.

After I hung up the phone - I don't remember the details of the morning/afternoon. I decided to board my dogs in Nashville and drive to Grand Rapids, MI. It was the longest drive of my life. I couldn't get to my mom fast enough. I had to pull off the side of the road many times to allow myself to bawl. I remember ordering food - and the lady asked how I was doing and I started crying. Again, longest drive of my life.

It's true what they say about numbness and shock after a loss. I think if you watched me the week following Leo's death, I might have appeared strong. I was able to keep mom together, put together a memory basket, remember to bring the memory basket back to Grand Rapids, etc (however, I did forget to remind mom to pack her dress she was going to wear to the funeral - major fail) - I was able to laugh and carry on conversations. I wasn't strong, it was numbness. Part of me misses the numbness and strength, because when they fade away - you realize how weak you truly are.

Little did I know that 05/17/11 would change me forever. It has only been a little over 2 months and my life has already changed and altered the following ways:

• I don't want to be involved in meaningless friendships. I have too many of those...life is too short.
  
• I have truly realized who my best friends are. Especially that one out in CA. Not sure what I would do without her.
  
• I have learned that our (American) society doesn't know how to handle grief.
  
• I'm learning to not be embarrassed by my tears and to let them fall.
  
• I've started grief therapy - which I'm calling "Esther Time."
  
• I'm going to be joining a support group in September.
• I want to honor Leo and his "live life to the fullest" mentality, but I'm trying to still figure out how that looks in my life.
• I worry about my mom about every minute of the day.
• The physical distance between me (in Nashville) and mom and Leo (Bay City, MI) has never felt greater.
  
• I realize how influential he was in my life...and I'm still learning. I just wish I could tell him this and a simple thank you.
  
• Most of all, I feel really cheated.
  

I'm sure over time, that list will grow. During Esther Time yesterday, she was telling me that this is an event that will shape who I am moving forward. I fear this. I'm so sad, having panic attacks, feeling hollow on the inside - I don't want to be like this forever.

Another thing I learned is grief does not happen in stages. Another example why Americans can't deal...we have to have a "step by step" process to deal with losing a loved one. There is not a "right" or "wrong" way to go through this process. I didn't really buy into the "stages" psychology - because I go in and out a few of the stages in a given day. I'm just happy that Esther thinks they are crap too.

One more thing about Esther Time. She likes this book - I can't remember the name - but it's a daily meditation on healing after losing (which might be the title!) Anyway, she wanted to read what the book said on the day of our first meeting: 7/27. She scanned the short page - paused a long minute - and said "it's about music." Of course it's about music - after all - I was there talking about Leo.

I'm going to be using this blog as an outlet. I want to write during this time in my life. I want to recall the good, really good, bad and really bad times. I want this to somehow be a tribute to Leo. I picked the background of this blog for him. The picture reminded me of the Great Lakes - a true love of Leo's.

-Kathryn-