Saturday's Routine

For as long as I can remember...my Saturday's routine always included my mom.

This morning it's gross and rainy in Nashville.  While I was opening my curtains this morning - I said to myself, "I wonder if mom is awake yet?"  I have these moments where I forget she is dead.  I have these natural urges as if she is still alive.  Then I have to remind myself she is not...and the wave of grief consumes me all over again.   This fucking wave violently tosses me around, drowns and suffocates me.

I saw an interesting article on NPR music the other day.  They were having people create their lives soundtrack in 6 songs.  A song that I listen to frequently the past few years has been Sharon Van Etten's - "We Are Fine."  I love, love, LOVE Sharon Van Etten...and this is actually one of her most upbeat/positive songs.

If I had to come up with my 6 songs - this would probably be #1 on the list.  I almost always have it on when the wave comes...which means I listen to it ALL THE TIME.

I miss our Saturday mornings mom....

-TT

terrified.

I'm terrified of my grief.  Right now, I feel like my only company is grief.

Grief is a horrible companion.

I'm scared of really feeling the full range and depth of my emotions.  Lately, I have been crying a lot more.  I think I've cried at least 7 times today.  In my crying spells - I just say over and over "i want my mom...I just want my mom..."  It seems like such a simple request...

I need to let myself scream, be angry, cry, etc - it's part of the process.  But this process is fucking scary...and I want to hold on to every single piece of my mother and not accept my reality.

This grief is also something I can't escape...

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."  -C.S. Lewis

Esther time - part 2

Last Thursday was a completely horrible day for me.  To be honest - all my days feel horrible - but Thursday was very bad.  I cried from about 5 until I went to bed.  That evening, I decided that I need to start talking to someone.  I have a few friends that I can talk to - but they have no idea how I feel or what I have gone through.  They cannot relate to the fact that my only emotions i have felt since Feb 12, 2013 is a mixture of stress and grief.  I really cannot recall a time I felt happy.

This time around - I really try to not expect anything from anyone.  It's just easier.  Unless you have lost someone - and have had a similar experience - you really don't know what to say.  If I had a friend who had one of their parents murdered - I would have no idea what to say...even after losing two parents.

Anyway, I wanted to talk to Esther.  I called and left her a very tearful message on Thursday.  She only is in the office at Hospice on Monday and Wednesdays - so I heard from her yesterday.  I answered the phone and she simply said "my god Kathryn...I am so sorry."  It was perfect.

We talked for a few minutes - and scheduled my first appointment of grief therapy because of my mom.  I mean how fucked up is it that I have been in grief therapy for two different loved ones within 3 years of each other?

This time 2 years ago - my mom was in town.  It is so painful to recall those memories.  I would love to have a rewind button on my life.   Where is that button??

All I want is more time with my mom.