Last Thursday was a completely horrible day for me. To be honest - all my days feel horrible - but Thursday was very bad. I cried from about 5 until I went to bed. That evening, I decided that I need to start talking to someone. I have a few friends that I can talk to - but they have no idea how I feel or what I have gone through. They cannot relate to the fact that my only emotions i have felt since Feb 12, 2013 is a mixture of stress and grief. I really cannot recall a time I felt happy.
This time around - I really try to not expect anything from anyone. It's just easier. Unless you have lost someone - and have had a similar experience - you really don't know what to say. If I had a friend who had one of their parents murdered - I would have no idea what to say...even after losing two parents.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to Esther. I called and left her a very tearful message on Thursday. She only is in the office at Hospice on Monday and Wednesdays - so I heard from her yesterday. I answered the phone and she simply said "my god Kathryn...I am so sorry." It was perfect.
We talked for a few minutes - and scheduled my first appointment of grief therapy because of my mom. I mean how fucked up is it that I have been in grief therapy for two different loved ones within 3 years of each other?
This time 2 years ago - my mom was in town. It is so painful to recall those memories. I would love to have a rewind button on my life. Where is that button??
All I want is more time with my mom.
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