- sadness - being in my mom's house one last time. The next time I leave - I will never again have a place to call my mom's. I will never have a "moms house" - this feeling fucking sucks.
- heartbroken - i wake up with this ache in my heart every morning. I miss that woman more than I can ever explain.
- anger - i know who broke into my mom's house. it was a caregiver. I'm angry that I was played and I trusted her. I'm angry that I always try to see the best in people. I'm angry that my life continues to be one hard, sad, stressful event after another. Can't the universe give me a break? Black cloud - please go rain on someone else. I am drowning here...
- bitterness - why are these my cards? Why is this my fucking life at 32... Not one person I know how has anything like this...why does it have to be me?
- jealousy - i want my mom. i'm jealous of those that have moms still alive. i'm jealous of people with supportive friends and families. I have none of that.
- afraid - when I walk out of this house - I am so afraid of this chapter being closed. And my next chapter starts without my mom. I just want my mom.
- anxiety - all the above make me anxious. I'm anxious that very little seems to bring me joy. I am a good actress. I am able to put on my "everything is going okay" hat and fool everyone.
- disappointed - that i'm missing so many things in Nashville.
All I can do is hope that maybe one day - I will wake up and only feel a few emotions instead of all of the above in a given day.
I'm missing Sharon Van Etten in Nashville this Saturday - her newest album is amazing. Her music alone has helped pulled me through the last 3 years - I am so bummed about not seeing her. SO BUMMED. Anyway, enjoy...
For my mom - I'm really trying hard to not be afraid...like her. She is the strongest person I know.
- Kathryn-
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