I feel it coming - sadly - I cannot stop it. I have been in pretty calm waters lately.
My constant companion has been a little too much this
evening. The waters are starting to get choppy, rough - is this what drowning feels like? I feel this weight on my chest
–a shortness of breath – my heart feels like it is carrying tons. I have been slapped with reminders
everywhere. Coming home to see Gravity
on TV. That is the movie I saw with
dick-face (DF) 3 nights before my mom died. Recalling events that surround DF are very painful. I am loaded with regrets when I think of him and my mom. I had corn for dinner – I
cooked it the way she taught me. I had
roasted asparagus too. Whenever we were
together during the warm months – every other night consisted of asparagus. Sheets from her house are on my bed. Her art is all over my house. I cooked in Mom and Leo’s pans. Their books are filling my bookcases. It
still feels a little unbelievable. I see this stuff in my house and think "why is that here?"
Was it a bad idea to bring so many of her things back to my
house? I don’t know. I know I am not willing to part with it yet.
I don’t want anything else but to talk to her. I have been longing to engage with her – to
hug her. To hear her say “hi baby” or “hi TT!”
I want to hear about her
day. I want to tell her about my
day. I’ve lost my best friend – and I
don’t know how to navigate through this world without her. I don’t have anyone to tell my stupid stories
to. I didn’t only lose my mother – I
lost my closest and most loyal friend.
I'm less than 3 months away from being without my mom for an entire year. Esther has already asked me about what I'm going to do on 10/9...I don't even want to think about it. It is all so goddamn unfair.
I found Esther's business card from 3 years ago. It made me sick to my stomach - same grief therapist - different parent. I need to toss that card...
I am so fucking sick of people asking me if I am happy to
have her house behind me. “NO! No, idiots!!! How could I be happy about any
of this? How could I be happy about not
having a “mom’s house?” is what I’d like to say. However, I just simply smile and try to
change the subject asap.
I feel myself withdrawing.
I have zero desire to engage with people right now. It’s hard when I have so much internal
turmoil and others want to talk about superficial topics. I need to pull out my acting card again...because I just don’t give a shit right now. However, I am trying very hard to fight my
desire to clam up and completely withdraw.
I’ve been doing a lot of “this time last year…” memory
recalling. It is really amazing what I
have survived. When I recall everything
I have been through the last 3 years – it is just more and more evident that I
am my mother's daughter…
