National hug a violist day..

Sending Leo a hug today...it's national hug a violist day :)

He was so cool!  :) 

This week doesn't appear to be off on the right foot.  I've already cried 2 times today.  

I feel so. so. so. lonely.  I don't think I felt this way as an awkward middle-schooler or in my teen years when this typical emotion is suppose to be present.

It will only be 3 months since Leo died this Wednesday.  I feel like I have used my "freedom" to talk about him dying.   When people ask how I am - I shouldn't confess how I am "really" doing.  The truth is - there isn't a hour that goes by where I don't think about him - or miss him - or wish this was a horrible nightmare - and I'll wake up soon.  When I wake up - he will be at home with mom - making her coffee, making beautiful music, answering the phone when I call - I wish this wasn't my reality.  At this point, I pat myself on the back when I can hold back the tears.   Since it's been 3 months - the few people who sincerely asked how I was doing - have stopped.

All but one.  Tracy - she is my only friend that I feel 100% comfortable in sharing all the deep sad lonely emotions with.  Today - she asked how I was doing - and I said "sad and lonely" - and she didn't offer a solution, didn't try to give me advice - but just allowed me to be.

This is Tracy!  

However, I don't want to burden her with my sadness - and I feel like I do.

Tracy can't be my only support, plus she has a serious boyfriend, important job and lives in CA.  The last thing I want to do is add my "needing support" to her plate.  However, I don't know how the hell I'm going to find any support...it's so important...and yet I don't have it.    I'm longing for support - longing for some connection with someone - who will just listen to me.  Someone who will go out for a drink with me - or see a movie - or not feel awkward when I cry.   Someone...anyone...

I found this wonderful post this afternoon called: ways to support someone who is grieving.  This post really spoke to me today.   For two reasons really.  1. it reiterates the need for support.  2.  also makes me feel "normal" with some of my reactions.

I would have to add one though.  Don't ever say "cheer up; that person wouldn't want you to be sad; smile for that person; focus on the good memories; etc."  Those phrases are not helpful.  Personally, if I ever hear "cheer up" again...I might scream :).

Go hug a violist!

-Kathryn-