It has been awhile since I've set aside time to write about what has been going on. It's amazing how easy it is to fill life with busyness. However, a ten hour car ride back to Michigan for the memorial service was ample amount of time to be with my thoughts. Especially when I didn't have to drive!
I've been reflecting on this past week and it feels strange. I didn't have Esther time - took time off work - spent a good portion of week either talking or hanging out with this guy I've recently met. It's been fun. A lot of fun actually. I'm not going to be talking about why I enjoy his company - or that I have a crush and get giddy when I think about him :). Actually, what I've learned is that support comes out of the blue and exactly when needed - and for that I'm so grateful.
I want to recap this week the best way I know how: I've laughed a lot (i've missed laughing) - watch college football (so happy it's back!) - tried cooking a new recipe that didn't turn out great - ran errands - had great meals at my favorite restaurants - saw an exhibit at the Frist. All of those events were with him. It was just a lot of fun.
What is interesting is deciding when and how to intertwine Leo into getting to know someone new. Part of me doesn't want to share this painful, emotionally raw side of myself. It's too personal. I feel very vulnerable and almost weak when I get emotional in front of people I don't know or trust. In this specific instance - I didn't want my tears to reflect an emotionally unstable girl and make this person run.
However, the other part of me wanted to share because - Leo dying is apart of me - this big event is now one of the biggest factors in shaping who I am becoming. At the end of the day, I know, I am this girl who lost someone dearly important. If you are wanting to get to know me - you also have to know this side/part/reality of my life too. Not only do you have to know this side - you have to accept it. This is terrifying to me.
What did I decide to do? I shared. I was reading something about Leo and the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. At first I was trying to hold back my tears - which results a drastic change in my mood. However, I explained myself a little - walked away and started crying. I expected him to continue watching football and just let me cry while I was cleaning up the kitchen - but the opposite happened. He wanted to hear what I was feeling/thinking - he let me talk - told me it was okay to cry and be stressed about the memorial service - gave me a long hug. I was throughly impressed. It was nice to talk to someone besides Esther, my mom, Tracy and Ashlee.
Then it hit me. This is what being supported feels like. I felt support. I believe it was the first time a friend had hugged me while I was crying about Leo. He kept telling me to not apologize - crying was okay and expected. I kind of think he channeling Esther :).
-Kathryn-
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