Besides seeing Leo in a casket - this week - I was with him for the last time 3 years ago. It was the last time I saw him and got to physically touch him alive.
Before, election week wasn't significant beyond who was voted into office...but now it will just be a painful reminder of my life's biggest regret yet.
Today - was a little better than last night. I woke up very teary and got ready crying most of the morning - my eyes were so swollen. Heidi was throwing up for about a hour in the middle of the night - so my sleep wasn't consistent. Miki (my newest coworker whom i love) asked if I was alright when I first walked in - I looked that off.
I decided to call my dr to make an appointment for medicine and proceeded to cry to the scheduler - so they called in Xanax and I have a follow up appointment after turkey day. I have been very honest with my friend Greg - and told him about last night's episode...he instantly offered suggestions...i do appreciate the suggestions - but it feels like people want to offer tools to fix my problem. It frustrates me... however, I have been realizing that assume the worse about those that care about me the most is just another sign of how dark of a place I am in.
I was talking to Miki today - and confessed how deeply depressed my thoughts have been. I can't believe I shared them...but part of it was freeing. I made an appointment with a psychologist named Joy Carroll. She personally made the appointment and talked me through the entire insurance aspect, etc. She also had a cancellation for tomorrow at 5...so I'm going tomorrow. I hope we click and I don't have to shop around.
I feel fucked up - but I know I'm going to be okay. I want to be okay...
I love this quote...because it's so true...
“Tears are the silent language of grief.” I've been speaking plenty...
-Kathryn-
No comments:
Post a Comment