Life was FINALLY starting to feel normal. I was able to think about Leo all the time without crying. I was starting to have the desire to be social. I was at a point where I wanted to take care of myself - emotionally and physically - because I was going to make 2013 "my bitch." However, 2013 had other plans.
This story started when Leo died. A natural side effect of losing someone is depression. My mom's depression scared me. The past few months - she seemed to dive back into a deep depression. The past few months - she had started complaining of neck pain, dizziness, headaches, etc. I honestly just thought she didn't want to feel fine - so she was creating sickness in her mind to allow herself to feel sick. I'm a bitch. I was out in CA for Tracy's wedding - and the day of the wedding I received WEIRD messages from my mom: "if i die - you get everything." "all my important papers are on my desk." "I love you, please don't be scared." "I'm sorry if something happens to me."
My response was simply, "why are you planning something?" I was mad that she had "interrupted" my trip with the weird messages. Even after the wedding - I kind of blamed her for my lack of letting go while I was at the wedding. I was mad that she had allowed herself to be this depressed - to talk to me like this.
I was back from SF - that Monday - I called her friends to talk about her "state." We were all in agreement that something very strange was going on with her. Mom wouldn't call people back - her and I hadn't talked on the phone since the new year - our correspondence had been via text message. I was one of the lucky ones to even get a response via text. We were talking about a sort of intervention.
During the multiple phone calls on Monday, I found out my mom was heading to the ER because she was feeling like she had a stroke. Again, my thoughts raged back to the "she just hates life - she is creating this reality..." Someone even suggested that she was going to various doctors, hospitals to shop for pills.
Monday 2/10 - my mom was at the hospital having test done - they admitted her at night and Tuesday morning during a CT scan a huge, nasty fucking tumor was found in the brainstem. She sent me an email - which I received at work. Maybe it was shock - but I didn't have a reaction immediately. My reaction came when I called her and heard her voice. She sounded like she had a stroke - that fucker in her brain was making her entire left side have stroke like symptoms. I left work to get ready to drive to MI the following morning and have been here since.
The brainstem tumor is so deeply seated in her brain - they are not able to operate it. The hospital was looking for the primary source of the tumor - so she had all sorts of test done to her. On my drive up - they found a tumor in the front left lope of her brain and she was being scheduled for brain surgery that Friday.
I'll share more about the last few weeks later, but what I learned is the location of the brainstem tumor causes depression. The front lope tumor can cause personality changes. Mom's symptoms - were identical to someone suffering from depression. I wanted her to be crazy depressed...not to have brain cancer.
Now I'm on a new journey....a journey where I'm the caretaker of my 52 year old mom with brain cancer.
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