Last Sunday was beautiful. Nashville has had a wonderful break from the heat - I'm trying to not be too optimistic about the weather and think Fall is popping its head early - because I know in a week or two - it can be back in the 100's. Anyway, last Sunday - I woke up without a headache (however, I did develop one later in the afternoon) and wanted to escape. I looked up some scenic driving routes in Middle TN, put the pups in the car and just left. If I was gutsy enough - I would have left my cellphone to fully be unattached from the world. However, realizing I have a tendency to get lost - I decided to bring the phone.
On the drive - I found myself feeling two drastic emotions. Jealous: the country is romantic. Old barns (I LOVE OLD BARNS!!), beautiful mountains and fields, old houses, greenery everywhere!, small towns where most people are overly sweet. I got out of the car with my dogs and didn't hear the normal abused, chained dogs barking, young disrespectful kids/adults or police sirens. Mom and Pa shops are basically the only stores that are around. There is a kind of peace that you get from nature - I started wondering if people who live in rural areas have this more than me?
Later on in my drive - around the time the church crowd got on the road and I was getting annoyed and lost- I started feeling antsy and thankful. I'm thankful I have options around me - many farmers markets - libraries - art museums - fantastic bars and restaurants - my quirky neighborhood. With all the negatives of living in an urban neighborhood - there are far more positives that I have to hold on to when I get frustrated with where I live. I think a little drive to the country and interaction with those locals reminded me to love where I'm a local...
I also listened to Einstein's Dreams for the first time in awhile. Goodness - the music is so beautiful. It isn't helpful in the "i really miss him" thoughts are constantly go though my head...but then I remembered this article by Ashley Davis Bush. I have been clinging to it...here it is in a nutshell:
What Grievers Cannot Do
- Get Over It -- Although stoicism is often admired, it is not healthy for grievers. The truth is that a major loss is devastating -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Grievers don't simply "get over" such a life-altering experience as one might get over an illness. Grief is a necessary, ongoing journey that fluctuates over time. Grief has no closure.
- Forget Their Loved One -- Grievers cannot and should not pretend as if their loved one never existed. Most grievers think of their beloved one daily, no matter how many years have gone by. If you, as a friend, never mention the loved one who has died, you are acting as if you've forgotten.
- Move On -- Grievers are often told to "move on" with life. It is impossible to move on as if nothing has changed when the foundation of one's life has been shattered. Severing a tie to a deceased loved is not possible, nor should it be the goal (see "Moving Forward" in the next section).
- Be Their Old Self Again -- Grievers are irrevocably changed. They cannot return to being their old selves again. They are no longer the same person after a major loss.
- Stop Hurting -- Grievers and their loved ones often wish for the pain of grief to stop. The hard truth is that painful feelings of grief will arise again and again over the years. They will continue to "burst" into life at the most inopportune moments. Sometimes a holiday or anniversary will stimulate renewed pain and, at other times, a simple rainy Tuesday is all that it will take.
What Grievers Can Do
- Integrate Loss Into Life -- Grievers must live with loss, but they do have the choice to reengage with life. The way to begin this lies in the understanding that loss is an inevitable part of life and that their loved one is always with them in their heart.
- Move Forward -- Grievers may not be able to simply "move on," but they can "move forward" as a changed person with a willingness to accept the many facets of being alive. When grievers move forward they do so with their loved one ever in their memory, their heart, and their spirit.
- Remember and Stay Connected in Love -- Grievers can make it a practice to honor their loved one and stay connected to them. They can keep journals and letters written to their loved ones, display photographs and speak about them. Grievers are still in relationship to their loved one even though their physical form is no longer on this planet.
- Embrace a New Self -- Grievers can understand that being forever changed means that while the old self has died, a new self is emerging. This new self has the potential for increased strength, wisdom, compassion, insight, and perspective.
- Channel Their Pain Into New Energy -- The human spirit is remarkably resilient. Grievers can pour their pain into new life missions, causes, and callings. They may reach out with compassion and understanding to others who suffer. Grievers have a choice to transcend their loss by making meaning out of unspeakable pain.
It's okay to miss him. I will always miss him. It's okay to listen to ED and cry. I'm not torturing myself (like I try to sarcastically joke about it) - it's me having a relationship with him. It's one of the only way I can because he isn't here physically. I have been asked a few times, "is it a good idea to listen to ED or watch youtube videos of him, etc." By people asking me - I have started to feel guilty and weird - even embarrassed.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to "embrace my new self," but it's exhausting, difficult, scary...sometimes I fail, fall down and take 100 steps back. It's how I currently feel - like I took 100 steps back, but it's okay, because I know that eventually I will walk forward and maybe take 101 steps this time.
We have a big event in the family this coming week. Leo should be there....I want Leo to be there. I know mom and Andrew want him there. I'm just thankful that we can carry him around in our hearts.
Like always, I miss and love you always, Leo.
Kathryn
